See look, my insides are not rotten anymore.

Let me explain the photo, as it was explained to me as I was throwing up during treatment.

The one on the left was taken before any chemo had begun (January). The photo on the right was taken in April, and all the black spots are supposed to be there. So therefore, there is no visible signs of the cancer still in my body.

Let me address a few things before people start making obscene comments.

1. No, you cannot see my private parts
2. No, my heart is not really black (contrary to what Kristen says)
3. Yes, you can see my rosy cheeks through the scan
4. No, my body has not shrunk overall.
5. Yes, my brain is that big.
6. Yes, there is less space between my arms and my waist as a result of my "Chemo Diet."
7. Yes, you can see my private parts

Can't think of a good title.

written April 30
published May 1

I having been procrastinating in my updates for two reasons. First, I still feel like I am in Hell's version of groundhog's day, and second, the more I talk about my current cancerous status, the more I feel like I am living in the present, where as I would rather be living in the future (cancer free).

As many of you know I have chemotherapy every other Friday. On the weekends I don't have chemo, I like to do whatever I can to help me "escape from reality". (try and name the song I just quoted). Some of my recent escapes have been to Yosemite National Park (saw Half Dome), Minnesota (saw the Mall of America), Las Vegas (saw Flava Flav) and Phoenix (saw Family).

This last Friday, I had my 8th round of chemo. I have progressively gotten more and more sick each time I go. I am trying to do whatever I can to help with the horrible feelings I get when I arrive. For the last few rounds, once I check in to hospital, I go outside, sit on a bench and wait for my name to be called. I just sit on a bench by myself and try to enjoy the sun, the birds, the breeze, or anything that distracts me from the feeling of nausea.

An interesting side note is that I felt too sick to get out of the car once we arrived home, so I just reclined the seat and stayed in the car for about an hour. Once I thought I could get to my bed safely, I opened the door, stepped out and ended up on my knees throwing up in the planter. My neighbors probably think I am the biggest alcoholic. It was 4:30 in the afternoon.

One of the most difficult parts of the treatments are the terrible smells associated with the drugs, hospital, cleaning solutions.... I started writing this paragraph this morning, but just thinking about it made me sick, so I am giving it another try this evening. I have tried different candies, burying my head in a pillow, sleeve, different masks... but the smells still get to me. I AM UP FOR ANY SERIOUS or NON SERIOUS SUGGESTIONS.

Overall, I am still doing fine. For those of you who have not heard, I received the results from a mid treatment scan, and the cancer is retreating/ appears to have left. This is not an official "All Clear", but its definitely good news. I don't like the word remission, so retreat is what I say.

My hair is falling out, but not bald. For some reason, I have lost all the hair on my thighs. They are quite smooth. I am also losing a lot of armpit hair. I guess if I was going to choose areas that I don't mind losing hair those would be it. Other than the hair, and being out of shape, I am doing fine.

On a more serious note. I consider myself very blessed to have gone through what I have so far. I heard someone put life in perspective this way.
             -Its only when you are aware of death, that life screams at you with such intensity-
I feel like I have been given such a unique opportunity to look at life in a way that most people my age don't get. It reminds me of the book titled, "Don't sweat the small stuff, it's all small stuff." I am not professing to be any more wise or educated than anyone else, but I feel a change within me on my view of life.

I appreciate all the support in its many forms: prayers, texts, emails, phone calls, fasts, thought, etc.

This is the part where I insert photos... the photos we have from the last few treatments don't show off my baby angel-like glow. They will be funny to laugh at... down the road.